Felatio presents fmylife.com and its win

[ferret15]

felatio put this in the shout box and i'm thinking its thread worthy,
if your having a bad day just quote from the site that cheered you up.

Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/214447) He replied: "that's okay, I'm f***ing three other girls. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/214447)" FML (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/214447)
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/195442) She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/195442)" FML (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/195442)

[killa]

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/217348) Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/217348) I tried to slowly move away. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/217348) He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/217348) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/217348)
OH EM GEE


Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/216994) I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/216994) He seemed to be enjoying it. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/216994) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/216994)


gotta love old people.

[amir]

you guys are a few weeks late...lol



Today, I found FML for the first time in class, and literally laughed out loud in the middle of the lecture in front of 200 classmates. Today's lecture? The cruelties of slavery. FML


Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML


Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML






Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML








Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML



Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

[Daft Punk]

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

LOLOLOL.
gross.

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

OH LAWDY

[DEATHx2]

lol ive read ever. single. one.

[amir]

ive made it to like page 35

[Jason R]

lol i was amused today by it.

[amir]

i wonder how much of that stuff is in fact true.

[Felatiotastic]

I can't believe most of you guys haven't heard of this till now.

[DEATHx2]

i wonder how much of that stuff is in fact true.

anywhere between 0-100% of them

[amir]

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me, so I decided to be bitchy about it and say "Did I say you could take a picture?" and he replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids." I turn around, and they were right behind me. FML





Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML



Today, my friends and I decided that we were going to make fun of our teacher by laughing as hard as we could at the first thing he said because he was always cracking horrible jokes. He walked in and told us his father had just passed. I was the only one to laugh. FML



Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML



Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML.